tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 18, 2010 12:05am-1:05am EDT
and time now for tonight's closing argument. after 14 days of deliberations, a federal jury deadlocked today on all but one of 24 charges against former illinois governor rod blagojevich, including the most outrageous one of all, that he tried to sell president obama's old senate seat. blagojevich was convicted on one count, lying to federal agents. that conviction could cost him five years in prison. prosecutors have pledged to retry him. blagojevich says they threw everything but the kitchen sink
at him but it didn't stick. so, we ask you, did he get away with it, or is he an innocent man? tell us what you think on the "nightline" page at abcnews.com. and finally, tomorrow night, we'll bring you a preview of "nightline" prime "secrets of the mind." show you the remarkable case of a man who becomes paralyzed every time he feels love for his wife. that's tomorrow. that's our report for tonight. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with subway's new fiery footlong subs. i'm looking forward to trying the new turkey jalapeno melt and the bold buffalo chicken. [ applause ] >> careful, jimmy. those subs are so hot they'll burn the wimp right out of you. >> jimmy: hello guillermo. why are you dressed like that? >> don't worry about it!
>> his name ain't guillermo anymore. his new name is snake. >> jimmy: your new name is snake? >> yes. i am a snake. and look -- i got a tattoo. >> jimmy: you did? wow. >> it's a snake. >> it's a snake eating a turkey jalapeno melt made at subway. >> and look! it says "eat bold"! >> jimmy: that reese that's great, snake. >> snake only eats bold. now give us those fiery footlongs. >> jimmy: what do you mean? hey, the guillermo, are you robbing me? >> no jimmy. snake is. snake is a very bad man. >> dicky: eat bold with subway fiery footlong subs. so hot they'll burn the wimp right out of you. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with juliette lewis, music from five finger death punch and justin long. combust, spontaneously.
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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- justin long. from "the switch," juliette lewis. and music from five finger death punch. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, believe me when i tell you, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto.
that's very kind. i'm jimmy. thank you for copping. thank you for watching. sorry i'm late. my school bus broke down on my way over here. school bus mechanic here in the audience tonight. don't worry. your children are very safe. i tell you what, there was a great deal of excitement here in los angeles this week. president obama paid us a visit. he actually slept over my house last night. breakfast this morning, ate a whole box of honey bunches of oats. all that was left was dust. he was here for a star-studded fund-raiser held at the home of john wells. they raised $1 million and converted him to scientology, so it was a success. the event was supposed to raise funds for the democratic campaign committee was obama was in seattle today, and, well, look at this. >> nobody here is getting too fat and happy. everybody here is operating on very lean margins. >> jimmy: i don't know how he's
spending those funds. a lot of people were angry coming home from work last night because the security around the president caused massive traffic jams. traffic was completely paralyzed. the city of hollywood was like an enormous botoxed forehead. some of the people that work here at the show took two hours to get home last night. usually it only takes them 95 minutes. meanwhile, the president, look at this, has this whole police escort. he's, you know, he's able to just really just -- well, wait a minute, that's -- [ applause ] i'm fairy sure that is not the president's vehicle. that's -- that's another mixup with the file footage. i don't understand why he has to tie up traffic when he could just flap his ears and fly anywhere he wants. yes, that would be offensive if we were younger than 4. one guy actually said if he had
known this was happening -- he was so mad, he would have voted for john mccain. poor ryan seacrest. it made him late for 16 of his 17 jobs. cost the sate like $4 million in tax revenue. i didn't mind -- it gave me a chance to finally listen to me "eat, pray, love" book on tape and i cried the whole way home. here in l.a., you know, we don't like to be inconvenienced. we need to be home to shoot our reality shows with made-up tv families and tempers began to boil over. >> had to deal with grid locked traffic for the entire afternoon commute. surface streets from santa monica to downtown were completely con guested. some abandoned their vehicles and took to the streets. >> jimmy: turning into somewhat of a trend. america's favorite disgruntled flight attendant is the toast of the town right now.
steven slater, pictured here with barry manilow. his new publicist said he's considering 30 offers. he said it's not a sprint, it's a marathon. but i'm pretty sure it's a sprint. you better get that guy a doritos commercial because i've seen his future and it's "celebrity fat club" on vh1. get that flight attendant a pilot and fast. right? [ laughter ] tonight on nbc, the wild card round for the show "america's got talent." one of the favorite s to win isa little girl that's become very popular on the internet. she has more than 6 million views on youtube already. the first time i saw her sing, i thought she was lip synching. so many people thought that that the judges felt the need to prove she's not.
>> i got one question. they said, was it really her. on the show, no contestant is allowed to lip synch. it doesn't happen. i want to prove it. if you can just sing a note right now, coming out of you. give me a note. >> jimmy: little pitchy, but very good, right? right, uncle frank? >> right. >> jimmy: this is interesting. a new study conducted by cornell university found that men that make less money than their wives or girlfriends are five times more likely to cheat than men who make the same amount or more money. and people criticized oprah for keeping stedman locked in the basement. turns out -- now, i am not an ocean pert in the field of psychology, i barely even have my masters in psychology, but fortunately, we do have an expert in house who has been followed this study, and here with his thoughts on it now, our very own dr. uncle frank.
>> dr. uncle frank here today, keeping you healthy. the question for today is from tamara tamara from alaska writes, why are men who make less money than their wives five times le times more likely to heat. aunt chippy would have cut my balls off if i cheated. i didn't cheat. there were times when i made less money than her. she was out hustling. [ applause ] >> jimmy: hustling? let me just clear -- are you telling us that aunt chippy was a hooker? >> yeah, but i'm only kidding. >> jimmy: yes, but she was a hooker? >> no, no. >> jimmy: oh, all right.
the force of nature known as justin bieber has launched out at a prankster in michigan. this kid managed to break into a facebook account and get justin bieber's phone number and then he called and texted it more than 30 times, so, to retaliate, j.b. posted the kid's phone number on his twitter account. next thing you know, the kid gets swamped with calls. 26,000 text messages. his phone ax chctually melted a the awesome power of bieber won again. one day, we will all kneel before his helmet here and we won't be laughing. speaking of helmet hair, former illinois governor rod blagojevich is a relatively happy man. he was convicted on only one of the 24 counts against him. transporting illegally silky hair across state lines. the judge declared a mistrial on the other more serious charges.
the district attorney says they are going to try him again. blagojevich said he is going to appeal the change they got him on. it was the same crime as martha stewart. he will probably do between lindsay lohan and little wayne, so -- can you imagine rod blagojevich in a prison jump suit? he would look like a traffic cone with a kush ball on top of it. today on the bbc, the british news channel, the anchors were tossing to their weather man. this is hard to follow because they only speak english. but watch the weather guy who thought he was offcamera. >> now, we'll have the weather forecast in a minute, and of course, 100% accurate, all the detail you could want. you're preparing for it, so, i'm not entirely -- well, then -- >> jimmy: whoops. let's look at that again in slow motion. watch his face here -- like a
poker player. not to be outdone here in the united states on "inside e kwigs dts last night, this question was posed to give us tonight's edition of "how is this news." >> you may have noticed something different about me today. i'm now a brunette. >> jimmy: oh. thanks for the update. who are you again? last week, as you probably know, if you have cable television, was shark week. which is a big deal for the discovery channel every year. so, now, the national geographic channel, or nat-geo, as i refuse to call it, is doing their own scary animal week. called big cat week. i don't know if big cats are as fascinating to us as sharks, but from the promos, it looks like they have watchable stuff.
>> they're graceful. majestic. agile. and depdly. they're big cats. nature's most beautiful and terrifying predators. watch as they stalk, hunt and devour their helpless prey. in stunning, never before seen footage of these astonishing big cats in the wild. big cat week. [ applause ] >> jimmy: just when you thought it was safe to go back in the litter box. one more thing. good news for fans of classic peanuts cartoons. this net work has signed a contract extension that will keep charlie brown, the holiday specials on abc, through the year 2014. that's good news for me, personally, too, because -- [ applause ] the executives here at abc told me they would get to my contract as soon as they locked charlie brown down, so -- even after almost 50 years of charlie brown
specials, they are still very popular. and we're going to air the class classics, but we're adding a new special this year that i think will hold a lot of appeal for the facebook generation. take a look. >> charlie's at the club hooking up for grenades, a bigger ugly chick, and land mines, a thin ugly chick and loving life. >> you want to get your [ bleep ] beep, you can stay, get your [ bleep ] ass beat. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, i don't. we have a good show tonight. juliette lewis is here, we have music from five finger death punch and we'll be right back with justin long, so please -- don't leave. ♪
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>> jim >> jimmy: well, hiya. with us tonight on the show, an oscar-nominated actress who invites you to see her alongside jennifer aniston and jason bateman in "the switch," which opens friday, juliette lewis is here. then later, this is their new album called "war is the answer," five finger death punch from the bud light stage. by the way, now doing weddings, if you're interested. tomorrow night on the show, jerry o'connell, carla gugino, and mudz music from t.i. and then thursday, t.i. will be here to chat, as will sharon osbourne and the band truth and salvage company. so, it's confusing, i know, but just write it down. our first guest tonight is a fine young actor who, among other notable achievements, gave britney spears her first onscreen kiss. after that, she was never the same. she really wasn't.
you can see him now romping romantically alongside drew barrymore in "going the distance" which opens in theaters september 3rd. please say hello to justin long. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> very good, thank you. >> jimmy: things are going well? >> sorry about britney. i take full responsibility for that. >> jimmy: i don't blame you, but something happened, and, you know, i'm just putting two things together. >> yeah. makes sense. >> jimmy: as a famous justin, do you feel competitive at all with justin bieber, because he's really cornered the market on this whole -- >> i feel like a kinship. >> jimmy: you do? >> yeah, from one justin to another. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> i did a little bit, last week at the teen choice awards and i did this bit where i pretended like -- pretended like i was coming down with bieber fever, and backstage there were a bunch
of screaming little girls, like tween -- >> jimmy: who had it -- >> advanced case of it. and this one mother kind of a pushy stage mom was like, justin, justin. she shoved her kid, her, like, really bewildered little kid, was like, honey, take a picture was justin. and the kid got excited and turned to me and i kind of, like, was leaning down with the kid, like, okay, posing, and i could see the kid looking at me with disgust, just really angry the camera wasn't working. i'm sorry. and the kid goes, that's not justin bieber! serious. this adorable little kid. i said, how cute, how funny. she was like, you know, honey, from "crossroads." >> jimmy: do you keep your -- do you keep your finger on the pulse of the teens to know what they're doing?
>> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: you do. >> i'm down. jk, jk, i'm not -- just kidding. >> jimmy: is that me or just kidding? i'm confused. >> i actually -- it's fascinating. it's such -- it seems like such a foreign world now, especially with all the texting and stuff. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. there's no real calling anymore. >> it's all texting, this weird shorthand, and i'm not very good at it but i had an experience a couple months ago, back in february, i was home sick, i had a pretty bad case of the flu and i got a random text that was -- >> jimmy: you brought a presentation of this. >> i do. i have it here, this text that i got, and for the sake of this person's privacy, i'm not -- i think they're going to bleep out, you know, the names, just out of respect to privacy issues, but this is an actual text that i got, and then became a series of texts over the next
four days. >> jimmy: we'll put it on the screen and we can all enjoy it together. >> here we go. hey, are you there, i need to -- look at how it is misspelled. i need to tell you something, it's a "mater" of life and death. i said, who is this dramatic person, that's me. haha, i'm sorry for what ied to you in school today. i was just pissed off and i don't know why. it's [ bleep ], fyi. i don't know any [ bleep ]. i don't know anyone that knows any [ bleep ]. so, i was like, okay, now i realize it's a random tween who thinks i'm a friend of hers so i'm going -- i love amusing myself, and i'm going to play along. so, i -- oh, snap, lol, i thought you were a crazy person. when you said that in school, i
was like, wha? but now i'm like, okh, okay, laughing my ass off. omg, i'm so lol-ing right now. you are crazy. so, i think, a little later, hey, are you awake? naw, sick and going to bad, sad emoticon. a little while later, why. this, i don't know if we can say. why is your cousin [ bleep ]. why do you think that? because you told me dat. i forgot, i totally forgot. because she just is. why is a tree a tree or a flea a flea for that matter? just god's plan i suppose. um, okay, so, what are you doing? okay, so this goes on, and this
is actually true. hey, what's up buddy, nothing, still sick. just watched "con air" with nicolas cage. omg, it's so good. how is cool? okay, so, this is the moment when i realize she's my frie friend -- i'm her friend eduardo. >> jimmy: you're clearly eduardo. >> listen up [ bleep ], i am ed war doe is illing and not in a cool way, like i have a license to ill. i am genuinely sick. this is one of my favorites. i didn't mean to ignore you. it's like skand 1candinavian. this is the part where i try to
see if she knows who i am. this is the narcicisstic version. now i'm watching that movie "accepted" with that guy who is in the mac commercials. [ applause ] >> shameless. shameless. shameless. and i got nothing. all she said, okay, you read cosmo girl. >> what? no, i was jk. jk! lol. plus, i said "cosmo girl." you shouldn't be so quick to judge because sometimes they have some interesting articles in that public case, or at least that's what i heard. omg, sure. my cousin probably reads that shiz, [ bleep ]. lol. i'll read this. this is -- it goes on. okay, fine. i read it once. just once -- w-u-n-s-c.
because i was at my procking to gist's office and there just happened to be a copy there. so sue me. i read a very interesting article about justin bieber and his effect on the collective pituitary development. now, after countless, awful misspellings where i am just manage ming the english language, here's what she calls me out for. you write beeber not bieber. good luck, america. >> jimmy: you did do that. >> so now, i -- [ applause ] so now, watch how long this goes on. this is absolutely true. goes on. >> jimmy: what? on, on. this is the life that i lead. and so then this is the last. hey, what up brother for another
mother. april 19th i did a show at ucb, i was going to read this. i wanted to get a nice button. doing a show tonight. she said, who is this? >> jimmy: i went on for a month and a half. >> june 14th, i didn't want her to worry or have any fears. so, i said, we had some good chats, yes? i thought you were my friend [ bleep ], and when you called me eduardo, i thought you were messing with me because that's my friend [ bleep ]'s nick maim for me. he calls me eduardo the great. anyway, my nonnickname is justin, sorry for all the confusion. yeah, no, you're not funny eduardo and sorry for bothering. so, she still thinks i'm eduardo. i tried to get eduardo -- >> jimmy: you are now eduardo. it goes on.
that's amazing. that could be your legacy right there. >> that's it. >> jimmy: we should get to the clip of the movie here. >> sorry. that was -- >> jimmy: you're in it and we promoted your iphone very well. the movie is "going the distance." boxing movie, you fight drew barrymore? >> yes, yes, she wins, spoiling alert. bites my ear off. >> jimmy: it a love story, true? >> yeah. it a love story about two people who meet each other and going to have a casual, there's a time limit on their relationship, she's leaving in six weeks and so i say, perfect, i'm not looking for anything serious and we end up falling for each other. >> jimmy: isn't that the way? we have a clip here. "going the distance." >> what do you want to do? we can get you some harder liquor, you know? >> no, this is good, buddy. thanks, pal. >> all right. drink a little?
nothing fun? >> we can go back to my place, listen to, like, the "garden state" sound track. listen to "brian's song." >> you want a hug? >> i'm okay, buddy. this is good. >> i'll hug you. >> it's okay. i -- okay. >> come on, buddy. there you go. >> okay. thanks. >> why are you eyes closed? >> mine? >> uh-huh. >> are yours not closed? >> no. >> jimmy: there you go. justin long, everybody. very funny, guy. we'll be right back with juliette lewis. ♪
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allen and harrelson. her new movie with jennifer aniston is called "the switch." it opens friday. please say hello to juliette lewis. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks for coming. is that -- your hair is blue. is that a wig or is that real blue hair? >> i decided to go back to my natural color. no, i'm actually mid-tour with my other job -- >> jimmy: with your band? >> yes. and so, you know, looks kind of fun under the light. >> jimmy: yeah. i got black on the top there -- >> yeah, you know, i look to do things always a little off. >> jimmy: i see. do you do that yourself or have somebody do it for you? >> i did have an incredible good girl named roxy. we spent many hours. and now i just do it in the hotels in the sink. >> jimmy: to touch it up?
>> yeah. >> jimmy: and the maid comes in and the sink is blue? >> i'm sorry about that. where i really have been thinking about that. i think bleach gets it out. >> jimmy: is it fun being on the road and being a rock star and going on playing all the -- >> it is. it's incredible. it's a lot of hard work. and, but i love it and i love the connection with the live audience. >> jimmy: is it really a lot of hard work? it seems like almost no hard work. hard work for guys that set up the equipment for you. >> no, hard work because i feel like, you know, because i got -- hostel, you know, this term -- not the way your uncle -- is he your uncle -- >> jimmy: yes, he is. >> not the way he was saying hustle. you have to spread the word, let people know about your music and your thing, and, i give a lot on stage, a lot of sweat, a lot of movement. >> jimmy: 110%? >> 110! you know it. >> jimmy: yeah, a lot of people
when they come to your shows come because they know you as an actor. >> yeah. in the beginning, because i've been doing this six years. in the beginning, i'm the resident, i say, proudly, kind of the circus freak. and people are kind of curious, you know, because i came from film. they want to see if i'm going to suck. i deliver a strong -- >> jimmy: you almost start from your, in the negative category. >> i'm in the negative. but then you just win by being awesome. can i say awesome on tv? >> jimmy: no. we'll have to blooep that out. you win by being awesome. that's the secret. >> my arrogance. this is horrible. >> jimmy: you have to be, though, right? >> i'm proud. so, yes, there's some film fans and it's odd because some people can't let go of, like, mallory knox from "natural born
killers." >> jimmy: those are some disturbed people, up in the corner section. so, they'll come up to you and they'll, will they, like, quote the movie, and -- >> well, i met one girl in scotland, she arrived after the show and i want to say, i think she might have done a lot of seidig psychodelics. and bring me gifts and i'm very happy about that, i -- >> jimmy: i'll bet. >> sometimes. >> jimmy: you seem overjoyed. >> make me beautiful necklaces, t-shirts. anyway, she brought me a bullet, a giant-sized, like, not shotgun but just a bullet and i was like, oh, that's, thanks. and she was like, i want you to have this. i can't do a scottish accent. she was really in that, you know, like that, and so i took
the bullet and i put it in my bag because i kind of save everything in a trunk that frans bring me. then i go through customs in finland, where, why do they need to speak english customs in finland. i'm passing through and in the x-ray machine, they want to know where is gun is and they quarantine me -- >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, and then, we didn't speak the same language and i was like, no, you don't understand, singing, and then, you know, here's the bullet. >> jimmy: they took the bullet? they took it -- >> they took it from me, yes. >> jimmy: well, maybe you'll get another one. >> oh, got willing. >> jimmy: when you get a bullet, it's best when it is handed to you. >> yes. >> jimmy: always. always best. so, now, and now you have -- you took a little break from the road and the craziness of all of that to go back to acting. >> yeah.
love it. >> jimmy: is that a weird transition to make? >> it is, but it's sort of like this beautiful love affair, you know, because i'm not done with movies by any means and i feel like it's a new beginning for me, a new chapter, and i have three amazing movies coming out this year, but now it's a luxury, you know, to sort of breathe and have the nice, clean sheets in a hotel room. >> jimmy: you're living in felt on the road. >> i'm not kidding. this is the way of rock and roll. i'm not like the killers or kings of leon. we're showering in the back of the venue you're like, eww, and my guitar player is like, bring you flip-flops to the shower, a lot of fungus in there. anyway, so -- >> jimmy: you get spoiled on a movie set. >> you do. >> jimmy: and you play jennifer aniston's friend. >> yes. >> jimmy: and are you actually her friend? >> i would think so. we're very friendly, and -- no,
i was kind of immediate. i don't know if you have met her -- >> jimmy: no. she won't come here. she said, if i do come i'm going to bring my flip-flops, but -- oh, that's good. she's a very warm person, immediately. >> jimmy: i read that in the magazines. i have. she's just like us, you know, that's the thing. >> yes, the segment. pumps her own gas. >> jimmy: well, i tell you what, i -- >> which makes you even more alien. look, they walk like this! >> jimmy: they consume beverages. it's crazy. but relatable. >> yes. >> jimmy: well -- >> yeah, i'm in this movie and i really love doing characters, and so i'm sort of her bohemian kind of best friend, throwing her a very strange party, it's an insemination party. >> jimmy: what? >> that's what i said. like, i'll do it. >> jimmy: wow.
why not? [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's about time we got one of those. well, i look forward to it. jason bateman is great, he's in the movie, too. i bet you are great in concert, just seeing you here with the blue hair and all this energy. and i hope that, you know, you can get to some clean venues in the future. >> i don't want to knock them. they're very special. are we running out of time. am i done? >> jimmy: that's me -- >> wrapping it up? you have to do it, your eyes are behind you -- they're all doing it, like -- >> jimmy: we're still working on it. >> thanks for having me, jimmy. >> jimmy: great to you have. juli juliet louie julietpt juliette lewis, everybody. we'll be right back with five finger death punch. i switched to sprint's $69.99 plan, so i get unlimited e-mails.
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